Wow....it's been since August since I've had time to blog.....well truth be told..it's that long since I gave myself time to blog. I think I have just been stuck in this funk....and I maybe didn't even realize it...until tonight.
I just got home from coffee night with my girls......what a smart bunch of woman they are...:-) I was told tonight that my favourite mantra for the time, which is, "it is what it is".....isn't. Or rather it doesn't have to be. We have choices...and although as an adult I know there are choices to be made...what to make for supper, what activities to join Xander in, what to teach him....etc..... there are other choices. Choices I didn't realize that I have control over. Like although I don't have control over my Dad dying from cancer, I do have control over whether or not I let the grief consume me. I can let it fester and keep trying to push it away and feel it "later". Or I can feel it in the moment, when it's raw and painful and trying to pull me down. I can give it the time it needs and face it.....and then move on. I can't stop my Dad from Dying...but I can stop myself from dying with him. Wow...that's profound.....huh..!! As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and going over in my head what my Ames explained to me in the car.....I am feeling what has been sitting right there for so long now. I am feeling the anger and the resentment and the grief that my Dad IS dying, that I can't do anything to stop it....but I can feel it...and move on from it....and enjoy the time that I have with him RIGHT NOW. I can stop waiting for him to die......stop trying to figure out how much time he has left...how much time we have left with him. I can enjoy him while he's here and while he's able. Yah it sucks that he's now in diapers and I have to clean his bottom when he has an accident....but he trusts only me to do it.....he trusts only me to lift him and move him......he is the most comfortable with me. I can take joy in knowing that I am helping to make his time left comfortable and loving.
I have some pretty amazing friends. Friends that I have been neglecting because of my grief and apprehension to go out into the world and show how sad, scared and alone I feel. Friends that will be there for me when I need to vent or cry or whatever....friends I need to allow to give me strength when I need it and comfort when I feel alone.......friends I need to let in....!!!
I guess my tattoo is on hold for now......huh Carolina...LOL. Funny girl..I now get what you were trying to ask me...why you were asking if I'm sure that's what I want......well now I'm not so sure. I will think on it a little more...maybe come up with something a little more.......I dunno.....it'll come to me....
I don't know what you're going through - of course until you are in that experience there is no way to see how you could go through it...
ReplyDeleteBut I have experienced loss and very recently realized that I never went to that dark place - I never asked those questions "why me" "I'm angry"...and never thought that 10 years later I would be sobbing in my bed unable to imagine ever stoping...but there I was...
Do it now...it really sucks having to go through it now but it sucks even more to have to go back and deal with really deep emotions years and years later...just take my word for it - cry now, be angry now, be whatever you need to be now, when you feel it...
We are all here for you - let us know what you need.
loves and hugs
{{{HUGGLES}}}
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could change it to something like, "The Choice Is Mine", as a reminder in the coming months :)
I love you!!! Let us be your friends <3 We can take it :)
ReplyDeleteI'm proud member of the Unconditionally-loving-Denise squad.
ReplyDeleteInvitation is still open for you to come to my house tonight, girly. *hugs*