I dunno

Today......well it sucked....Johnnie and I went to see his mom in the nursing home today and I realised just how unhappy she really is.  She looks terrible.  Her cheeks are sunken in and she looks terribly depressed...I sat and held her hand for a bit today, which made her smile, but it did nothing to relieve the guilt I feel for "leaving her behind".  Johnnie is really the only one of her children who visits her.  We were all she had....and then we moved away.  We moved to help take care of my Dad because he's dying of cancer.  I feel guilty that we left her all alone.  I have promised that I will do what I can to have her moved to a nursing home in Barrie...it would be a great relief for us as well..not to have to drive to Mississauga to take care of her needs etc.  And Johnnie could see her whenever he wanted.  I'm hoping that I can get through to someone who has some humanity left in them.....in the "government" service areas there are a lot of rules.....and allot of people who go right by those rules...and don't seem to have any "heart" for their job.

Dad has been sliding the past few days...literally really, sliding to his left.  He can't hold himself up straight anymore.  He looks terribly uncomfortable and old when in his chair like that.  Mom had a breakdown and I can't really blame her....he looks like he'll be leaving us before we're ready for him to go....but really...are ya ever ready?  I don't think so.  We knew that this time was coming but you can never prepare yourself for when the time does come.  It's hard, it sucks, it's sad, it's maddening, it's unfair and it's any number of adjectives.... but it's out of our control.  I am back to sleeping upstairs again for fear that I won't hear him if he needs me in the night.  I wake up to check on him and make sure he's comfortable and breathing.  I had to make the hardest phone call of my life yesterday....to the funeral home...to ask questions and make an appointment....we go Thursday at 6:00.  The funeral home we are going to has been dealing with Dad's family since .....well forever really....and the man who runs the place grew up with Dad...so he was extra special gentle and nice with me I think....either way it was a hard call to make and I know that Thursday will be hell.....but I'll have my sisters, my Uncle and possibly Mom...so I won't be alone.....we'll all go through it together...another bonding moment...one I wish  we were not  going to have...

I realised recently that you spend your whole childhood waiting to be older...having that 1/2 age be so important....I'm not 10....I'm 10 1/2.....well I wish that I could turn back the clock and not be an adult anymore...I don't like the responsibility part, or the parents getting older part or my son growing so fast that I feel like I'm running out of time with him part.....or the worrying that my husband is getting older part....he has 13 years on me....I'm supposed to find joy in life....someone turn the sun back on because my world has gone dark.....