What a ride..!!

Well....it's been quite some time since I've written.  So much has happened over the past months and it's taken me some time to get my "stuff" back together lol.

Dad passed away....on December 15, 2010.  In the evening.  Surrounded by his daughters, son in laws, his wife and his brother.  It was so peaceful.  Unlike at all what I expected.  I was afraid...but as he was in life, Dad was so layed back and calm even in his death.  I miss him.  I miss him alot.  But I feel that he is with us.  And that carries me through most of the bad times.  It is coming up a year already that he passed.  It's as if it was yesterday some days.

So....it took me some time to deal with my anger, frustration and pure, raw anquish over my Dad's death.  I have done alot of soul searching and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  Dad's sickness and ultimately his death showed me just how close death can be.  I wanted better for my life than just the existence that I was living.  The pretend happiness.  The me that everyone else thought they knew and loved.  I was losing myself in just existing and that wasn't good enough anymore.  So I broke free.....started getting tattoos because they meant something to me and made me feel good.  Got some new peircings..haha... AND started a new improved lifestyle. Complete with Jenny Craig.  It was Mom's idea.  She wanted me to go in with her....I thought "Gawd Mom they're going to be expensive and they're gonna suck you in with all their you can do it crap"...lmho....I so wasn't prepared for Sarah.  I went in with the thought that I would support my mother in her attempt at another weight loss program.  But walked out with the most powerful feeling that my life was going to change.  And she, Sarah, was going to help me.  And help me she did.  She signed us up and there was no going back from there. 

Jump ahead about 5 months....today I weighed in with our consultant Shannon, who is a real sweetie pie,  and has given me so much.....and I am officially down 54.4 lbs.  I have never lost 50 lbs in my life.  Now a very good friend reminded me the other day that I am not "losing" weight...that would make one think I was going to find it again some day....nope I'm "shedding".  The overcoat as Penny called it....for me...more like armor that I put on a very long time ago to protect the little girl that felt she needed it.  I am all grown up now and I don't need it anymore...so it's going away.  The hard work and perserverance (sp?) give me more pride in myself than I've ever fealt.  Although there are some mornings (less and less now) that I don't want to do the exercise, I get up and do it anyway...and the benefits last me the day.  I feel good, I have energy and I'm proud of myself for another workout done.

There are so many other things that happened over the past year.  But I think I'll keep them for now.  Reflect a little longer and decide what, if any of it, needs to be told.

Thanks for reading if ya got this far....:-)

D...

I dunno

Today......well it sucked....Johnnie and I went to see his mom in the nursing home today and I realised just how unhappy she really is.  She looks terrible.  Her cheeks are sunken in and she looks terribly depressed...I sat and held her hand for a bit today, which made her smile, but it did nothing to relieve the guilt I feel for "leaving her behind".  Johnnie is really the only one of her children who visits her.  We were all she had....and then we moved away.  We moved to help take care of my Dad because he's dying of cancer.  I feel guilty that we left her all alone.  I have promised that I will do what I can to have her moved to a nursing home in Barrie...it would be a great relief for us as well..not to have to drive to Mississauga to take care of her needs etc.  And Johnnie could see her whenever he wanted.  I'm hoping that I can get through to someone who has some humanity left in them.....in the "government" service areas there are a lot of rules.....and allot of people who go right by those rules...and don't seem to have any "heart" for their job.

Dad has been sliding the past few days...literally really, sliding to his left.  He can't hold himself up straight anymore.  He looks terribly uncomfortable and old when in his chair like that.  Mom had a breakdown and I can't really blame her....he looks like he'll be leaving us before we're ready for him to go....but really...are ya ever ready?  I don't think so.  We knew that this time was coming but you can never prepare yourself for when the time does come.  It's hard, it sucks, it's sad, it's maddening, it's unfair and it's any number of adjectives.... but it's out of our control.  I am back to sleeping upstairs again for fear that I won't hear him if he needs me in the night.  I wake up to check on him and make sure he's comfortable and breathing.  I had to make the hardest phone call of my life yesterday....to the funeral home...to ask questions and make an appointment....we go Thursday at 6:00.  The funeral home we are going to has been dealing with Dad's family since .....well forever really....and the man who runs the place grew up with Dad...so he was extra special gentle and nice with me I think....either way it was a hard call to make and I know that Thursday will be hell.....but I'll have my sisters, my Uncle and possibly Mom...so I won't be alone.....we'll all go through it together...another bonding moment...one I wish  we were not  going to have...

I realised recently that you spend your whole childhood waiting to be older...having that 1/2 age be so important....I'm not 10....I'm 10 1/2.....well I wish that I could turn back the clock and not be an adult anymore...I don't like the responsibility part, or the parents getting older part or my son growing so fast that I feel like I'm running out of time with him part.....or the worrying that my husband is getting older part....he has 13 years on me....I'm supposed to find joy in life....someone turn the sun back on because my world has gone dark.....

It is what it is.....or is it?

Wow....it's been since August since I've had time to blog.....well truth be told..it's that long since I gave myself time to blog.  I think I have just been stuck in this funk....and I maybe didn't even realize it...until tonight.

I just got home from coffee night with my girls......what a smart bunch of woman they are...:-)  I was told tonight that my favourite mantra for the time, which is, "it is what it is".....isn't.  Or rather it doesn't have to be.  We have choices...and although as an adult I know there are choices to be made...what to make for supper, what activities to join Xander in, what to teach him....etc..... there are other choices.  Choices I didn't realize that I have control over.  Like although I don't have control over my Dad dying from cancer, I do have control over whether or not I let the grief consume me.  I can let it fester and keep trying to push it away and feel it "later".  Or I can feel it in the moment, when it's raw and painful and trying to pull me down.  I can give it the time it needs and face it.....and then move on.  I can't stop my Dad from Dying...but I can stop myself from dying with him.  Wow...that's profound.....huh..!!  As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and going over in my head what my Ames explained to me in the car.....I am feeling what has been sitting right there for so long now.  I am feeling the anger and the resentment and the grief that my Dad IS dying, that I can't do anything to stop it....but I can feel it...and move on from it....and enjoy the time that I have with him RIGHT NOW.  I can stop waiting for him to die......stop trying to figure out how much time he has left...how much time we have left with him.  I can enjoy him while he's here and while he's able.  Yah it sucks that he's now in diapers and I have to clean his bottom when he has an accident....but he trusts only me to do it.....he trusts only me to lift him and move him......he is the most comfortable with me.  I can take joy in knowing that I am helping to make his time left comfortable and loving. 

I have some pretty amazing friends.  Friends that I have been neglecting because of my grief and apprehension to go out into the world and show how sad, scared and alone I feel.  Friends that will be there for me when I need to vent or cry or whatever....friends I need to allow to give me strength when I need it and comfort when I feel alone.......friends I need to let in....!!!

I guess my tattoo is on hold for now......huh Carolina...LOL.  Funny girl..I now get what you were trying to ask me...why you were asking if I'm sure that's what I want......well now I'm not so sure.  I will think on it a little more...maybe come up with something a little more.......I dunno.....it'll come to me....

Catching up......

The Big Catch Up….!!!

It has been such a crazy time these last few weeks…..I haven’t had the energy to keep up with my blog. There is so much in my head, but I don’t know where to start. This may get a little jumbled….hope you can keep up…lol

We have been noticing some deterioration with Dad….we knew it was coming…we’ve always known it’s coming…but that doesn’t make seeing it any easier. I think that over the months since his diagnoses…a year ago now…we’ve kinda put the worst out of our minds and dealt with the day to day stuff. Now that things are progressing, we aren’t able to deny any longer that Dad is going to die from this cancer….and it sucks, and it’s not fair, and it makes me mad, and it makes me sad, and it makes me…..a whole bunch of other emotions. On Friday morning, Dad took another fall. It happened in the bathroom, at 3:00 in the morning. Alex came running into our room to tell me that Nanny was calling and calling because Papa was on the floor. So up the stairs fly Johnnie and I. We find him on the floor in the bathroom, but because he had the door closed when he fell, we can’t open it. His head is almost against the door. Johnnie managed to get in, but couldn’t do much to help because Dad’s back was in such pain. We had to call 911. It took 2 paramedics and 4 firefighters to get him out of the bathroom on a medal backboard. Poor Dad. Seeing him carried out by all these men, it was so hard for me. Mom and I got dropped off at the hospital by Johnnie and we began the long wait. The paramedic had told us at the house that the hospital was crazy busy…..but when we got there it wasn’t so bad. We were quite shocked that they had Dad in a room, seen by the Dr. and admitted within 2 hours. Pretty amazing…!! So…this is where he is. In the RVH with a fractured back. They won’t release him until he can get out of bed and walk with a walker. Dad is refusing to get up and now wants my Mom to feed him….LOL… I think it’ll be a little bit before he is released. They are keeping him pretty comfortable on Oxycontin….he is showing some considerable confusion…but who wouldn’t on those kinda drugs. It’s now a keep him comfortable and as happy as we can until one of them wins…Dad gets up and walks out….or the Dr’s give up and send him home in a wheelchair…..the wait begins.  Tomorrow morning we leave for our vacation...I have some mixed feelings about going...but Dad has said that if I don't go he'll be mad...so off we will go.


We’re at the Cape….

We are finally here….and I am worried about home. I didn’t wanna come this time. I thought I should stay home and help Mom. I hate the thought of her being all alone. I had to realize (with help from an older sister) that I am not the only one who can help take care of Mom. I am not her only child and it’s okay for me to go away and enjoy myself while someone else takes over. So, with things under control (not mine) at home, we left for Cape Croker.



I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!!! It is so peaceful here and the view has always been glorious to me. As we were unpacking and getting things sorted, I looked out into the bay and there was five or six sail boats making their way in…..it was such a beautiful sight. It made me realize just how much I really did need this vacation. I needed to spend some time with my husband and my son. I needed to spend some time with ME. It made me happy that I came.

We had a pretty great day. Our friends Dave and D, who we camp with every year for the past five or so, came and the kids swam and had fun. We went up to their site for dinner and it was awesome. The kids had a great time making smores by the fire, and then it hit….someone decided that it would be oh so much fun to have some fireworks…now I like everyone, enjoy the fireworks…unfortunately, our Mortimer does not. The dogs had been laying peacefully in the truck….and then the fireworks. They literally scared the shit out of Mortimer. Johnnie went to check on them and the whole truck had been “mortified”….lmao. Mortimer had pooped all over….it smelled so bad. It was on their leashes and on the matts and on the carpets….and even on the plug for Alex’s laptop…..EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW it was everywhere. So needless to say…we are going to be shampooing the inside of our van………Dave gave Johnnie this cherry smelling stuff to try and help….now it smells like cherry poo… oh the joys…..:-D

Day 2….at the Cape.

I am sitting at the table in the trailer…all alone. I am really enjoying it. Johnnie took Alex and the dogs for a walk. I am sitting here trying to forget that the truck smells like poo…..actually, cherry poo………..:-D

We will have to go and get some stuff to clean the carpets and the rest of the van. I managed to clean the leashes, as best I could and Alex’s lap top cord…with Lysol wipes. When we go into the town I will buy a couple of leashes at the dollar store…I cannot walk the dogs with poo poo leashes…just can’t do it…LMHO…For now though, I am enjoying the birds chirping and the cool, fresh air coming in through the windows. The neighbours on both sides are packing up, which hopefully means a nice quiet week.

I love this place…!!!!

Day 3 through to the end......

We are very much enjoying our time with Diana and Dave and all the kids.  It is so nice to see Alex around the kids who know him and know how he is....they just have fun...no worries...... I haven't had alot of time to blog, but have been spending alot of time reading.  Johnnie and Alex went to a market in Oliphant and came back with lots of books.  Alex helped Dad pick out some James Patterson books for me...I love that my son knows me so well....:-)  What a great kid..!!

Today Diana wanted to get a tattoo....we toyed with the idea of getting matching ones, but Diana decided that she would love to get the teenage tattoo on her arm covered up with a cross that she had picked out.  I decided not to get one..................UNTIL............until Diana was getting hers and I could here the zzzz of the tattoo maching doing it's work...........omg I love that sound....LMHO...I have become a tattoo junkie.  I came across a sun drawing in one of Dean's (the native artist who does tattoos on the reserve) books.  I fell in love with it and it immediately made me think of when Alex was a baby and I would rock us in the rocking chair by his crib and sing "you are my sunshine" to him.  It was our song.  I sang it to him for years. Soooo that was that......another tattoo made it's way onto my body.....and I couldn't be happier....Johnnie on the other hand, he thinks I'm going overboard and that I should stop now....actually, he said thats enough, no more this year...........BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....it still makes me laugh that after 13 years Johnnie still trys to "put his foot down".......lmao.....if I really wanted another one, he would take me and probably even pay for it.....!!  That's my Johnnie.

So Diana and Dave have left for Quebec.  We all feel their absence...it's just not the same camping without them.  We will however enjoy some peaceful quiet together for the next few days.  We all need it, and it will be too soon when it's time to pack up. 

Eddy (our native friend who works at the park) comes by every once in a while for chatting and coffee...he loves his coffee.  We even had him for dinner one night...it was really nice.

So today is Wednesday and we have decided to leave early.  We are all feeling a little homesick, and worried about Mom and Dad.  So, we packed up and had the trailer towed to the front, where my father will pick it up on Saturday.  Home we go.

We got home and got unpacked and then Johnnie and I decided to surprise my parents at the hospital.  Unfortunately Mom had just left....we must have driven past her and not noticed....Dad however.....his face brightened when I walked in and he saw me.  He held out his arm to hug me and said "boy am I happy to see you"......that felt so nice.....soo soo nice....!  We're home....

Friends are so important.....!!!!!!

So tonight was coffee night.  And it was so much fun.  It is always so much fun and I am always so glad that I went.  But getting there for me is hard.  Things are so busy here with Mom and Dad that I am so tired and don't feel like going out.  I have to push myself to reconnect with the friends that I haven't seen in what feels like so long.  I realised tonight, that it is so important for me to push myself to go.  I love being around those other homeschooling mamas who feel my pain, LOL.  It is so necessary for me as a person, to have that connection with other woman.  I feel so energised and good about myself.  I take advantage of myself sometimes.....and I need to be reminded every once in a while that I am a vibrant and happy woman...not just a mom, wife, daughter, caregiver etc......I'm a pretty darn funny woman...:-)

Thanks so much girls for helping me to remember....:=)

And I promise that I will get those blogs from our camping trip up a.s.a.p.

40!!!!!

Ok...so tomorrow morning....(20 mins actually)...I will be 40 years old.  People keep asking me how does it feel to be 40.....or teasing me about being "so old".  Well I don't feel any different....and I'm actually quite excited.  I am feeling like I'm in a really great place right now.  The number of my age doesn't mean anything to me.  The way I feel and the way my life is, that's what's important to me.  I feel great and I feel that life is pretty good right now.  Granted, it would be much better if my Dad didn't have terminal cancer....but I'm choosing to see the positive things right now....he's stable....he's funny....he's still able to communicate with us (sometimes too much...lol).  Yes, there are things changing that we see all the time.  His memory is declining.  He needs to use a walker in the house now, and the wheelchair whenever we leave the house...but he's still with us and that in itself is a small miracle.  We thought at this time last year that he would no longer be with us...but he is, and for that I'm happy.

I took Alex to see Eclipse today.....OMG...I did NOT feel 40 when those young men were on the screen.....LMHO...I felt like a teenager......I looked more like a cougar I'm sure, ...but I felt like a gushing teenager...LMHO.  Don't worry...I'm not having a mid life crisis and looking for a youngin to make me feel better.....but damn....they didn't look like that when I was that age.... :-D

So...do I feel any older, wiser or otherwise different now that I'm "40"......nope...I'm still me.....and the number means nothing....!!!

Horse Racing....yeah..!!

My Auntie Debbie met us for dinner tonight....then we decided to go the casino....something Johnnie and I have never been able to do together.....Johnnie decided he wanted to go to the track side of the casino.  I had never been there and wanted to play the slots, but I wanted to be with him more...so I went with him to the track.....well wholly hannah........I love horse racing...lol.  I love the smell, the sound and the excitement.  I love the rush you feel when your horse is in the lead, and the elation you feel when you win $6.20 on a $2 bet on the first race.  On the second Johnnie won $29sh.....awesome... What a rush...LOL.  I am sure that I will definately be going back to the track.  I think Alex would get a kick out of it too.  I can see how it can be addicting.