40!!!!!

Ok...so tomorrow morning....(20 mins actually)...I will be 40 years old.  People keep asking me how does it feel to be 40.....or teasing me about being "so old".  Well I don't feel any different....and I'm actually quite excited.  I am feeling like I'm in a really great place right now.  The number of my age doesn't mean anything to me.  The way I feel and the way my life is, that's what's important to me.  I feel great and I feel that life is pretty good right now.  Granted, it would be much better if my Dad didn't have terminal cancer....but I'm choosing to see the positive things right now....he's stable....he's funny....he's still able to communicate with us (sometimes too much...lol).  Yes, there are things changing that we see all the time.  His memory is declining.  He needs to use a walker in the house now, and the wheelchair whenever we leave the house...but he's still with us and that in itself is a small miracle.  We thought at this time last year that he would no longer be with us...but he is, and for that I'm happy.

I took Alex to see Eclipse today.....OMG...I did NOT feel 40 when those young men were on the screen.....LMHO...I felt like a teenager......I looked more like a cougar I'm sure, ...but I felt like a gushing teenager...LMHO.  Don't worry...I'm not having a mid life crisis and looking for a youngin to make me feel better.....but damn....they didn't look like that when I was that age.... :-D

So...do I feel any older, wiser or otherwise different now that I'm "40"......nope...I'm still me.....and the number means nothing....!!!

Horse Racing....yeah..!!

My Auntie Debbie met us for dinner tonight....then we decided to go the casino....something Johnnie and I have never been able to do together.....Johnnie decided he wanted to go to the track side of the casino.  I had never been there and wanted to play the slots, but I wanted to be with him more...so I went with him to the track.....well wholly hannah........I love horse racing...lol.  I love the smell, the sound and the excitement.  I love the rush you feel when your horse is in the lead, and the elation you feel when you win $6.20 on a $2 bet on the first race.  On the second Johnnie won $29sh.....awesome... What a rush...LOL.  I am sure that I will definately be going back to the track.  I think Alex would get a kick out of it too.  I can see how it can be addicting.

What for?

I just don't get it......all the violence and the destruction.  Why do people need to behave the way that they did today in Toronto?  What are they trying to prove?  They hide thier faces so as not to get caught.  They break windows, blow up police cruisers and hurt innocent people....all for what?  I just don't get it.

Senseless Acts

Johnnie and I took Alex to Toronto today for his cousins funeral. I saw so much pain and discomfort, tears and well wishes and family clinging to each other for comfort. Why? Because we as a society have become intolerant.

It used to be that when someone got angry there would be words, or the police would be called... in some circumstances a fight would break out and a nose would be bloody...maybe a lip would be split.....now....it's guns and weapons and killing....it's all senseless. Because of one persons intolerance to a little noise, a man is dead and a family is mourning. A mother and father are without thier son, a sister is without her brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends all without the person they love. Left behind to remember good times, bad times, happy and sad times....but memories and pictures are all that remain of the one they loved. Because he was too loud.

When did we become so intolerant? When did things change so much that another persons life means so little? That what we want is more important than what the next person wants or needs? When did it become the norm to pick up a weapon and hurt, mame or kill someone? And will the law be there to carry out justice for Terry? How much time is Terry's life worth? How is that decided? What if his family doesn't agree? Do we have a say in what happens to the man that took away the one we love?

Senseless acts. Nobody wins and everyone loses. When will it end?

Getting used to disappointment

My sisters came up today to visit Dad for father's day (and to secretly check out his swollen tummy and feet). While here Lee decided to find pics of the "boat" that they will be taking next week to go across from Moosonee to Moose Factory......it was a bit of a shock....there is no way (dont' know how none of us thought of this) that they will get my Mom or my Dad down the floating dock and into a boat....let alone get them back out again..... Lee gently tried to help Dad to see that this would be an insurmountable obstacle to getting across. Dad, to say the least, was not happy to hear this. At first he was pretty angry...but soon came to realise that Lee was right. His idea was to wait until they got there and then figure it out.....HA...okay so let's set the scene.....my two sisters, my brother in law, my mother and my dad...all trying to manuever a moving dock whilst keeping my dad on his feet, hoping my mother won't fall into the lake and then if by some small miracle they make it to the end of the dock, they now have to get the two of them down into the boat....LMHO...I can see it now....okay...so they made it into the boat, now how in the he** are they going to get them out? My dad can't rise on his own weight...he needs something to pull himself up...and my mom cannot either, nor can she lift her right leg any higher than to put on her shoe.....so now there's five of them in the boat but only three can get out.... :-D so now that they have figured this out....they have to cancel thier night's accomodation at the Eco Lodge in Moose Factory and try to find a place for five people to sleep in Moosonee......Dad says there are lots of motels there....LMHO....

I really shouldn't laugh...but the pictures going through my head....anyway....Lee finally helped Dad to see that this was not a good plan....and she will try to transfer accomodation to Moosonee tomorrow...instead of chancing it.....My poor sister...

So....once everyone is gone, and Johnnie and I were bbqing outside.....Dad turns to Mom and says....well I'm getting used to disappointment hun....Johnnie bought some real nice steaks last week and I haven't seen them since......LMHO....so I guess we need to make the man a steak.....

I Love my Dad....:-)

For those of you who, {{{gasp}}} haven't seen my babies, here they are.....they are the most awesome loving and gentle souls you'll ever meet. Well okay Mortimer is...he's the one sitting on his sister Molly. Molly....well she's a bully, a brat, she's disobedient, has a mind of her own and is totally motivated by one thing.....food....lol. But we love her with everything in us anyway. One only has to spend a minute in time with either of these dogs to fall in love with them....they are sometimes the one comfort that I need when I feel like the world is gonna end....well them and my family.....but they don't talk back..(well not ALL the time) and they don't tell me what I've done wrong or how I should fix things......they just love me...:-)

Cancer Sucks...!!!

Today has been a hard day for Dad. His belly looks pretty distended, but he made it emphatically clear that he was NOT going to the hospital to say "hey doc my kids think my stomach is big"....lol. I can understand why he is so sick and tired of Dr's....but we are worried about him. Before the cancer, he was strong and independant and very set in his ways. He loved doing his gardens and working at the H.D and seeing his kids when we came to visit......now..... he can hardly keep his eyes open when anyone comes to visit, he's lost all his independence, doesn't have the strength to even go look at his gardens right now never mind tend them....and he can't work. He hasn't worked since his diagnosis nearly a year ago. It is so sad to watch the cancer taking away what it has no right to take.

My sisters and my brother in law are taking a trip with my parents on the Polar Bear Express on Sunday for five days......I am hoping and praying that Dad will be able to make it. I'm afraid if he doesn't, he will give up all hope.

To Begin.....

So everyone around me is blogging...about their homeschooling, thier 98 year old mother in law, thier gardening etc...so I decided maybe it's time I give it a whirl. But where to start....How about at the beginning...well not quite the beginning beginning....that would take far too long. I'll start at the beginning of today...I shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you just know you shouldn't get out of bed? Well I have them at least 5 times a week...lol..joking (sort of). Today though, was one of those days. I woke up feeling the depression before my feet even hit the floor. But I forced my self up, put on a smile (fake it til ya make it right..) and went upstairs to pee. My day had begun. I needed to make bannok bread for our homeschooling pot luck day (it was aboriginal day today) and of course I'd left it til the last minute. Everyone in my house (mother, father, husband and son...I think the dogs even got in there somehow..:-D) are now asking me why did I leave it til the last minute...why didn't I do it last night....the truth? Because I didn't fricken feel like it last night..geesh. I proceeded to make the bannok...which turned out really well if I do say so myself...and I do...!!

Moving on. I ask Alex (my wonderful, adorable, keeps me on my toes son) if he's up for a homeschooler outing today. See, Alex was diagnosed with Tourette synrome, ADHD and OCD among other things at a very young age. There are days when he just needs quiet. Well today wasn't to be one of those days...with a very enthusiastic "yes" we were getting him ready and packing up the bannok (and homemade jam) to take to our friends. Something in me just said "go to the beach", but not wanting to disappoint my boy...I didn't listen and we were off. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my outings with the homeschool group...I LOVE the mom's and the interactions and the food and all of it. There are just days when you know you just shouldn't....but I did. Thankfully all went pretty well and when Alex showed signs that he was breaking down I pulled out my trusty pink phone and called the one person in the world who knows me best....my amazing, wonderful, patient and super handsome husband to come and get us....and he did...no questions asked. Phew... had a good time and all disasters were averted.....but here's the kicker. I see things that I wish I didn't see. I see the looks on the children's faces when Alex appears. Through no consious thought, or mean intentions, they get the "oh here comes Alex" face. I have seen it many many times...and it never gets any easier to see. When the kids see me they smile and say hi Alex and they really do try hard to be patient and kind and tolerant. But my boy has a way of going just over the top...just a little over the top. And they all know it's gonna come. Alex happily doesn't notice (at least I hope he doesn't) and my friends all tell me it's harder on me than it is on him...and somewhere deep inside I know this...but it's still hard. Why can't I fix it so that Alex can conform to the world around him? How can we expect the world to conform to him? Why can't Alex just see that if he settled down just a bit, or if he lowered his voice just a bit...that it would make a huge difference for him socially? Because he can't. Because he is who he is and he is quite happy with that. Why am I not? Because I have been trying for far too long to squish my square peg into a round hole. As much as I say I don't do that, I prove to myself over and over in a day that I do do that. And I need to stop. I, above everyone else, need to accept my boy for who he is. A happy go lucky, fun loving, vampire wanna be, amazing, wonderful human being.

I need to thank my friends Donna and Amy for helping me to see this wonderful insight today. Without the support of my friends somedays...I don't know what I'd do. And it is so wonderfully amazing when you can connect with another parent, who has a child like yours, and they just get it...you can cry and vent and they just get it. I think I'm done for now...but there'll be more. Ya know if feels quite good to get all this out...and even if noone else reads it....it's a place for me to write it.