So everyone around me is blogging...about their homeschooling, thier 98 year old mother in law, thier gardening etc...so I decided maybe it's time I give it a whirl. But where to start....How about at the beginning...well not quite the beginning beginning....that would take far too long. I'll start at the beginning of today...I shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you just know you shouldn't get out of bed? Well I have them at least 5 times a week...lol..joking (sort of). Today though, was one of those days. I woke up feeling the depression before my feet even hit the floor. But I forced my self up, put on a smile (fake it til ya make it right..) and went upstairs to pee. My day had begun. I needed to make bannok bread for our homeschooling pot luck day (it was aboriginal day today) and of course I'd left it til the last minute. Everyone in my house (mother, father, husband and son...I think the dogs even got in there somehow..:-D) are now asking me why did I leave it til the last minute...why didn't I do it last night....the truth? Because I didn't fricken feel like it last night..geesh. I proceeded to make the bannok...which turned out really well if I do say so myself...and I do...!!
Moving on. I ask Alex (my wonderful, adorable, keeps me on my toes son) if he's up for a homeschooler outing today. See, Alex was diagnosed with Tourette synrome, ADHD and OCD among other things at a very young age. There are days when he just needs quiet. Well today wasn't to be one of those days...with a very enthusiastic "yes" we were getting him ready and packing up the bannok (and homemade jam) to take to our friends. Something in me just said "go to the beach", but not wanting to disappoint my boy...I didn't listen and we were off. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my outings with the homeschool group...I LOVE the mom's and the interactions and the food and all of it. There are just days when you know you just shouldn't....but I did. Thankfully all went pretty well and when Alex showed signs that he was breaking down I pulled out my trusty pink phone and called the one person in the world who knows me best....my amazing, wonderful, patient and super handsome husband to come and get us....and he did...no questions asked. Phew... had a good time and all disasters were averted.....but here's the kicker. I see things that I wish I didn't see. I see the looks on the children's faces when Alex appears. Through no consious thought, or mean intentions, they get the "oh here comes Alex" face. I have seen it many many times...and it never gets any easier to see. When the kids see me they smile and say hi Alex and they really do try hard to be patient and kind and tolerant. But my boy has a way of going just over the top...just a little over the top. And they all know it's gonna come. Alex happily doesn't notice (at least I hope he doesn't) and my friends all tell me it's harder on me than it is on him...and somewhere deep inside I know this...but it's still hard. Why can't I fix it so that Alex can conform to the world around him? How can we expect the world to conform to him? Why can't Alex just see that if he settled down just a bit, or if he lowered his voice just a bit...that it would make a huge difference for him socially? Because he can't. Because he is who he is and he is quite happy with that. Why am I not? Because I have been trying for far too long to squish my square peg into a round hole. As much as I say I don't do that, I prove to myself over and over in a day that I do do that. And I need to stop. I, above everyone else, need to accept my boy for who he is. A happy go lucky, fun loving, vampire wanna be, amazing, wonderful human being.
I need to thank my friends Donna and Amy for helping me to see this wonderful insight today. Without the support of my friends somedays...I don't know what I'd do. And it is so wonderfully amazing when you can connect with another parent, who has a child like yours, and they just get it...you can cry and vent and they just get it. I think I'm done for now...but there'll be more. Ya know if feels quite good to get all this out...and even if noone else reads it....it's a place for me to write it.
Welcome to the blogging world :)
ReplyDeleteYou got through the day, some days that's all you can do {HUG}!
Yay! So glad you're blogging! It's good for the soul :)
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the blogging world Denise - I'm sure you'll be a pro-blogger in no time! :D I never got there but still love my little space on the web! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to pretend that I understand what you or Alex go through because of his challenges - but I can say that on some level we all feel that way...why does my kid do "that" - and then the trickle of advice that starts to come in when your child is shy, nervous, doesn't want to play a game, cries too loud, cries too soft, is not potty trained at 4, doesn't talk till after they are two, seems desperate for attention, plays on their own in a group,...the list is endless.
And let's not even go down the road of differences in parenting styles and philosophies...I find it exhausting sometimes...scratch that - all the time.
We all want our kids to "fit in" but really what we should be teaching everyone, kids and parents alike that we need to accept everyone for who they are and also respect that everyone can handle different amounts of each person.
When Z. starts crying at the drop of a hat because she is in a new situation - I hope that the kids she is around can accept that she needs time and not look at her funny or make fun of her - and Z. needs to respect that not everyone is going to wait around for her to be ready to have fun.
One of the most difficult parts of being a mom is wanting to protect our children from being hurt...
<3 Shanta
p.s. my blog id is not working on here...www.naturalmomlovesprada.com
Denny,
ReplyDeleteThere are days when I'm in the club and I see that one member who is, for whatever reason, a greater challenge than others. I make that "here comes Alex" face (only it's not Alex), sigh and suck up the patience and tolerance I need to deal with "her". We all do it. I can only hope that as I've matured, I've become better able to hide it so as to not hurt "her" feelings.
I know how hard it is for you, because it's about your boy. I know you'd rather the "here comes Alex" face was more excitement and relief and less "lord give me patience" but take comfort in the fact that you have finally found a group that does accept him, welcome him, and yes, they even tolerate him.
It is part of you accepting who he is and what his limitations are, but truth be told Den, there are lot of so-called normal people (adults and children alike) that make me do a silent Lord give me strength/paitence face when they enter a room.
Just remember that right after the face, they do welcome him and accept him....and when they reach their limit, the gently and respectfully disengage from him. It helps that he isn't aware. As an observer though, you just need to know they like Alex, it's just his behaviour (for lack of a better word) that they get exhausted by.
I know you have "friends" that you only take in small doses and keep at a distance because you can only tolerate them for so long. DOesn't mean you don't like them or that you don't see the good in them. Alex is a gem of a boy, and you should be proud of what you've done to find him a safe and loving place in the world.
XO