I dunno

Today......well it sucked....Johnnie and I went to see his mom in the nursing home today and I realised just how unhappy she really is.  She looks terrible.  Her cheeks are sunken in and she looks terribly depressed...I sat and held her hand for a bit today, which made her smile, but it did nothing to relieve the guilt I feel for "leaving her behind".  Johnnie is really the only one of her children who visits her.  We were all she had....and then we moved away.  We moved to help take care of my Dad because he's dying of cancer.  I feel guilty that we left her all alone.  I have promised that I will do what I can to have her moved to a nursing home in Barrie...it would be a great relief for us as well..not to have to drive to Mississauga to take care of her needs etc.  And Johnnie could see her whenever he wanted.  I'm hoping that I can get through to someone who has some humanity left in them.....in the "government" service areas there are a lot of rules.....and allot of people who go right by those rules...and don't seem to have any "heart" for their job.

Dad has been sliding the past few days...literally really, sliding to his left.  He can't hold himself up straight anymore.  He looks terribly uncomfortable and old when in his chair like that.  Mom had a breakdown and I can't really blame her....he looks like he'll be leaving us before we're ready for him to go....but really...are ya ever ready?  I don't think so.  We knew that this time was coming but you can never prepare yourself for when the time does come.  It's hard, it sucks, it's sad, it's maddening, it's unfair and it's any number of adjectives.... but it's out of our control.  I am back to sleeping upstairs again for fear that I won't hear him if he needs me in the night.  I wake up to check on him and make sure he's comfortable and breathing.  I had to make the hardest phone call of my life yesterday....to the funeral home...to ask questions and make an appointment....we go Thursday at 6:00.  The funeral home we are going to has been dealing with Dad's family since .....well forever really....and the man who runs the place grew up with Dad...so he was extra special gentle and nice with me I think....either way it was a hard call to make and I know that Thursday will be hell.....but I'll have my sisters, my Uncle and possibly Mom...so I won't be alone.....we'll all go through it together...another bonding moment...one I wish  we were not  going to have...

I realised recently that you spend your whole childhood waiting to be older...having that 1/2 age be so important....I'm not 10....I'm 10 1/2.....well I wish that I could turn back the clock and not be an adult anymore...I don't like the responsibility part, or the parents getting older part or my son growing so fast that I feel like I'm running out of time with him part.....or the worrying that my husband is getting older part....he has 13 years on me....I'm supposed to find joy in life....someone turn the sun back on because my world has gone dark.....

It is what it is.....or is it?

Wow....it's been since August since I've had time to blog.....well truth be told..it's that long since I gave myself time to blog.  I think I have just been stuck in this funk....and I maybe didn't even realize it...until tonight.

I just got home from coffee night with my girls......what a smart bunch of woman they are...:-)  I was told tonight that my favourite mantra for the time, which is, "it is what it is".....isn't.  Or rather it doesn't have to be.  We have choices...and although as an adult I know there are choices to be made...what to make for supper, what activities to join Xander in, what to teach him....etc..... there are other choices.  Choices I didn't realize that I have control over.  Like although I don't have control over my Dad dying from cancer, I do have control over whether or not I let the grief consume me.  I can let it fester and keep trying to push it away and feel it "later".  Or I can feel it in the moment, when it's raw and painful and trying to pull me down.  I can give it the time it needs and face it.....and then move on.  I can't stop my Dad from Dying...but I can stop myself from dying with him.  Wow...that's profound.....huh..!!  As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and going over in my head what my Ames explained to me in the car.....I am feeling what has been sitting right there for so long now.  I am feeling the anger and the resentment and the grief that my Dad IS dying, that I can't do anything to stop it....but I can feel it...and move on from it....and enjoy the time that I have with him RIGHT NOW.  I can stop waiting for him to die......stop trying to figure out how much time he has left...how much time we have left with him.  I can enjoy him while he's here and while he's able.  Yah it sucks that he's now in diapers and I have to clean his bottom when he has an accident....but he trusts only me to do it.....he trusts only me to lift him and move him......he is the most comfortable with me.  I can take joy in knowing that I am helping to make his time left comfortable and loving. 

I have some pretty amazing friends.  Friends that I have been neglecting because of my grief and apprehension to go out into the world and show how sad, scared and alone I feel.  Friends that will be there for me when I need to vent or cry or whatever....friends I need to allow to give me strength when I need it and comfort when I feel alone.......friends I need to let in....!!!

I guess my tattoo is on hold for now......huh Carolina...LOL.  Funny girl..I now get what you were trying to ask me...why you were asking if I'm sure that's what I want......well now I'm not so sure.  I will think on it a little more...maybe come up with something a little more.......I dunno.....it'll come to me....

Catching up......

The Big Catch Up….!!!

It has been such a crazy time these last few weeks…..I haven’t had the energy to keep up with my blog. There is so much in my head, but I don’t know where to start. This may get a little jumbled….hope you can keep up…lol

We have been noticing some deterioration with Dad….we knew it was coming…we’ve always known it’s coming…but that doesn’t make seeing it any easier. I think that over the months since his diagnoses…a year ago now…we’ve kinda put the worst out of our minds and dealt with the day to day stuff. Now that things are progressing, we aren’t able to deny any longer that Dad is going to die from this cancer….and it sucks, and it’s not fair, and it makes me mad, and it makes me sad, and it makes me…..a whole bunch of other emotions. On Friday morning, Dad took another fall. It happened in the bathroom, at 3:00 in the morning. Alex came running into our room to tell me that Nanny was calling and calling because Papa was on the floor. So up the stairs fly Johnnie and I. We find him on the floor in the bathroom, but because he had the door closed when he fell, we can’t open it. His head is almost against the door. Johnnie managed to get in, but couldn’t do much to help because Dad’s back was in such pain. We had to call 911. It took 2 paramedics and 4 firefighters to get him out of the bathroom on a medal backboard. Poor Dad. Seeing him carried out by all these men, it was so hard for me. Mom and I got dropped off at the hospital by Johnnie and we began the long wait. The paramedic had told us at the house that the hospital was crazy busy…..but when we got there it wasn’t so bad. We were quite shocked that they had Dad in a room, seen by the Dr. and admitted within 2 hours. Pretty amazing…!! So…this is where he is. In the RVH with a fractured back. They won’t release him until he can get out of bed and walk with a walker. Dad is refusing to get up and now wants my Mom to feed him….LOL… I think it’ll be a little bit before he is released. They are keeping him pretty comfortable on Oxycontin….he is showing some considerable confusion…but who wouldn’t on those kinda drugs. It’s now a keep him comfortable and as happy as we can until one of them wins…Dad gets up and walks out….or the Dr’s give up and send him home in a wheelchair…..the wait begins.  Tomorrow morning we leave for our vacation...I have some mixed feelings about going...but Dad has said that if I don't go he'll be mad...so off we will go.


We’re at the Cape….

We are finally here….and I am worried about home. I didn’t wanna come this time. I thought I should stay home and help Mom. I hate the thought of her being all alone. I had to realize (with help from an older sister) that I am not the only one who can help take care of Mom. I am not her only child and it’s okay for me to go away and enjoy myself while someone else takes over. So, with things under control (not mine) at home, we left for Cape Croker.



I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!!! It is so peaceful here and the view has always been glorious to me. As we were unpacking and getting things sorted, I looked out into the bay and there was five or six sail boats making their way in…..it was such a beautiful sight. It made me realize just how much I really did need this vacation. I needed to spend some time with my husband and my son. I needed to spend some time with ME. It made me happy that I came.

We had a pretty great day. Our friends Dave and D, who we camp with every year for the past five or so, came and the kids swam and had fun. We went up to their site for dinner and it was awesome. The kids had a great time making smores by the fire, and then it hit….someone decided that it would be oh so much fun to have some fireworks…now I like everyone, enjoy the fireworks…unfortunately, our Mortimer does not. The dogs had been laying peacefully in the truck….and then the fireworks. They literally scared the shit out of Mortimer. Johnnie went to check on them and the whole truck had been “mortified”….lmao. Mortimer had pooped all over….it smelled so bad. It was on their leashes and on the matts and on the carpets….and even on the plug for Alex’s laptop…..EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW it was everywhere. So needless to say…we are going to be shampooing the inside of our van………Dave gave Johnnie this cherry smelling stuff to try and help….now it smells like cherry poo… oh the joys…..:-D

Day 2….at the Cape.

I am sitting at the table in the trailer…all alone. I am really enjoying it. Johnnie took Alex and the dogs for a walk. I am sitting here trying to forget that the truck smells like poo…..actually, cherry poo………..:-D

We will have to go and get some stuff to clean the carpets and the rest of the van. I managed to clean the leashes, as best I could and Alex’s lap top cord…with Lysol wipes. When we go into the town I will buy a couple of leashes at the dollar store…I cannot walk the dogs with poo poo leashes…just can’t do it…LMHO…For now though, I am enjoying the birds chirping and the cool, fresh air coming in through the windows. The neighbours on both sides are packing up, which hopefully means a nice quiet week.

I love this place…!!!!

Day 3 through to the end......

We are very much enjoying our time with Diana and Dave and all the kids.  It is so nice to see Alex around the kids who know him and know how he is....they just have fun...no worries...... I haven't had alot of time to blog, but have been spending alot of time reading.  Johnnie and Alex went to a market in Oliphant and came back with lots of books.  Alex helped Dad pick out some James Patterson books for me...I love that my son knows me so well....:-)  What a great kid..!!

Today Diana wanted to get a tattoo....we toyed with the idea of getting matching ones, but Diana decided that she would love to get the teenage tattoo on her arm covered up with a cross that she had picked out.  I decided not to get one..................UNTIL............until Diana was getting hers and I could here the zzzz of the tattoo maching doing it's work...........omg I love that sound....LMHO...I have become a tattoo junkie.  I came across a sun drawing in one of Dean's (the native artist who does tattoos on the reserve) books.  I fell in love with it and it immediately made me think of when Alex was a baby and I would rock us in the rocking chair by his crib and sing "you are my sunshine" to him.  It was our song.  I sang it to him for years. Soooo that was that......another tattoo made it's way onto my body.....and I couldn't be happier....Johnnie on the other hand, he thinks I'm going overboard and that I should stop now....actually, he said thats enough, no more this year...........BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....it still makes me laugh that after 13 years Johnnie still trys to "put his foot down".......lmao.....if I really wanted another one, he would take me and probably even pay for it.....!!  That's my Johnnie.

So Diana and Dave have left for Quebec.  We all feel their absence...it's just not the same camping without them.  We will however enjoy some peaceful quiet together for the next few days.  We all need it, and it will be too soon when it's time to pack up. 

Eddy (our native friend who works at the park) comes by every once in a while for chatting and coffee...he loves his coffee.  We even had him for dinner one night...it was really nice.

So today is Wednesday and we have decided to leave early.  We are all feeling a little homesick, and worried about Mom and Dad.  So, we packed up and had the trailer towed to the front, where my father will pick it up on Saturday.  Home we go.

We got home and got unpacked and then Johnnie and I decided to surprise my parents at the hospital.  Unfortunately Mom had just left....we must have driven past her and not noticed....Dad however.....his face brightened when I walked in and he saw me.  He held out his arm to hug me and said "boy am I happy to see you"......that felt so nice.....soo soo nice....!  We're home....

Friends are so important.....!!!!!!

So tonight was coffee night.  And it was so much fun.  It is always so much fun and I am always so glad that I went.  But getting there for me is hard.  Things are so busy here with Mom and Dad that I am so tired and don't feel like going out.  I have to push myself to reconnect with the friends that I haven't seen in what feels like so long.  I realised tonight, that it is so important for me to push myself to go.  I love being around those other homeschooling mamas who feel my pain, LOL.  It is so necessary for me as a person, to have that connection with other woman.  I feel so energised and good about myself.  I take advantage of myself sometimes.....and I need to be reminded every once in a while that I am a vibrant and happy woman...not just a mom, wife, daughter, caregiver etc......I'm a pretty darn funny woman...:-)

Thanks so much girls for helping me to remember....:=)

And I promise that I will get those blogs from our camping trip up a.s.a.p.

40!!!!!

Ok...so tomorrow morning....(20 mins actually)...I will be 40 years old.  People keep asking me how does it feel to be 40.....or teasing me about being "so old".  Well I don't feel any different....and I'm actually quite excited.  I am feeling like I'm in a really great place right now.  The number of my age doesn't mean anything to me.  The way I feel and the way my life is, that's what's important to me.  I feel great and I feel that life is pretty good right now.  Granted, it would be much better if my Dad didn't have terminal cancer....but I'm choosing to see the positive things right now....he's stable....he's funny....he's still able to communicate with us (sometimes too much...lol).  Yes, there are things changing that we see all the time.  His memory is declining.  He needs to use a walker in the house now, and the wheelchair whenever we leave the house...but he's still with us and that in itself is a small miracle.  We thought at this time last year that he would no longer be with us...but he is, and for that I'm happy.

I took Alex to see Eclipse today.....OMG...I did NOT feel 40 when those young men were on the screen.....LMHO...I felt like a teenager......I looked more like a cougar I'm sure, ...but I felt like a gushing teenager...LMHO.  Don't worry...I'm not having a mid life crisis and looking for a youngin to make me feel better.....but damn....they didn't look like that when I was that age.... :-D

So...do I feel any older, wiser or otherwise different now that I'm "40"......nope...I'm still me.....and the number means nothing....!!!

Horse Racing....yeah..!!

My Auntie Debbie met us for dinner tonight....then we decided to go the casino....something Johnnie and I have never been able to do together.....Johnnie decided he wanted to go to the track side of the casino.  I had never been there and wanted to play the slots, but I wanted to be with him more...so I went with him to the track.....well wholly hannah........I love horse racing...lol.  I love the smell, the sound and the excitement.  I love the rush you feel when your horse is in the lead, and the elation you feel when you win $6.20 on a $2 bet on the first race.  On the second Johnnie won $29sh.....awesome... What a rush...LOL.  I am sure that I will definately be going back to the track.  I think Alex would get a kick out of it too.  I can see how it can be addicting.

What for?

I just don't get it......all the violence and the destruction.  Why do people need to behave the way that they did today in Toronto?  What are they trying to prove?  They hide thier faces so as not to get caught.  They break windows, blow up police cruisers and hurt innocent people....all for what?  I just don't get it.

Senseless Acts

Johnnie and I took Alex to Toronto today for his cousins funeral. I saw so much pain and discomfort, tears and well wishes and family clinging to each other for comfort. Why? Because we as a society have become intolerant.

It used to be that when someone got angry there would be words, or the police would be called... in some circumstances a fight would break out and a nose would be bloody...maybe a lip would be split.....now....it's guns and weapons and killing....it's all senseless. Because of one persons intolerance to a little noise, a man is dead and a family is mourning. A mother and father are without thier son, a sister is without her brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends all without the person they love. Left behind to remember good times, bad times, happy and sad times....but memories and pictures are all that remain of the one they loved. Because he was too loud.

When did we become so intolerant? When did things change so much that another persons life means so little? That what we want is more important than what the next person wants or needs? When did it become the norm to pick up a weapon and hurt, mame or kill someone? And will the law be there to carry out justice for Terry? How much time is Terry's life worth? How is that decided? What if his family doesn't agree? Do we have a say in what happens to the man that took away the one we love?

Senseless acts. Nobody wins and everyone loses. When will it end?

Getting used to disappointment

My sisters came up today to visit Dad for father's day (and to secretly check out his swollen tummy and feet). While here Lee decided to find pics of the "boat" that they will be taking next week to go across from Moosonee to Moose Factory......it was a bit of a shock....there is no way (dont' know how none of us thought of this) that they will get my Mom or my Dad down the floating dock and into a boat....let alone get them back out again..... Lee gently tried to help Dad to see that this would be an insurmountable obstacle to getting across. Dad, to say the least, was not happy to hear this. At first he was pretty angry...but soon came to realise that Lee was right. His idea was to wait until they got there and then figure it out.....HA...okay so let's set the scene.....my two sisters, my brother in law, my mother and my dad...all trying to manuever a moving dock whilst keeping my dad on his feet, hoping my mother won't fall into the lake and then if by some small miracle they make it to the end of the dock, they now have to get the two of them down into the boat....LMHO...I can see it now....okay...so they made it into the boat, now how in the he** are they going to get them out? My dad can't rise on his own weight...he needs something to pull himself up...and my mom cannot either, nor can she lift her right leg any higher than to put on her shoe.....so now there's five of them in the boat but only three can get out.... :-D so now that they have figured this out....they have to cancel thier night's accomodation at the Eco Lodge in Moose Factory and try to find a place for five people to sleep in Moosonee......Dad says there are lots of motels there....LMHO....

I really shouldn't laugh...but the pictures going through my head....anyway....Lee finally helped Dad to see that this was not a good plan....and she will try to transfer accomodation to Moosonee tomorrow...instead of chancing it.....My poor sister...

So....once everyone is gone, and Johnnie and I were bbqing outside.....Dad turns to Mom and says....well I'm getting used to disappointment hun....Johnnie bought some real nice steaks last week and I haven't seen them since......LMHO....so I guess we need to make the man a steak.....

I Love my Dad....:-)

For those of you who, {{{gasp}}} haven't seen my babies, here they are.....they are the most awesome loving and gentle souls you'll ever meet. Well okay Mortimer is...he's the one sitting on his sister Molly. Molly....well she's a bully, a brat, she's disobedient, has a mind of her own and is totally motivated by one thing.....food....lol. But we love her with everything in us anyway. One only has to spend a minute in time with either of these dogs to fall in love with them....they are sometimes the one comfort that I need when I feel like the world is gonna end....well them and my family.....but they don't talk back..(well not ALL the time) and they don't tell me what I've done wrong or how I should fix things......they just love me...:-)

Cancer Sucks...!!!

Today has been a hard day for Dad. His belly looks pretty distended, but he made it emphatically clear that he was NOT going to the hospital to say "hey doc my kids think my stomach is big"....lol. I can understand why he is so sick and tired of Dr's....but we are worried about him. Before the cancer, he was strong and independant and very set in his ways. He loved doing his gardens and working at the H.D and seeing his kids when we came to visit......now..... he can hardly keep his eyes open when anyone comes to visit, he's lost all his independence, doesn't have the strength to even go look at his gardens right now never mind tend them....and he can't work. He hasn't worked since his diagnosis nearly a year ago. It is so sad to watch the cancer taking away what it has no right to take.

My sisters and my brother in law are taking a trip with my parents on the Polar Bear Express on Sunday for five days......I am hoping and praying that Dad will be able to make it. I'm afraid if he doesn't, he will give up all hope.

To Begin.....

So everyone around me is blogging...about their homeschooling, thier 98 year old mother in law, thier gardening etc...so I decided maybe it's time I give it a whirl. But where to start....How about at the beginning...well not quite the beginning beginning....that would take far too long. I'll start at the beginning of today...I shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you just know you shouldn't get out of bed? Well I have them at least 5 times a week...lol..joking (sort of). Today though, was one of those days. I woke up feeling the depression before my feet even hit the floor. But I forced my self up, put on a smile (fake it til ya make it right..) and went upstairs to pee. My day had begun. I needed to make bannok bread for our homeschooling pot luck day (it was aboriginal day today) and of course I'd left it til the last minute. Everyone in my house (mother, father, husband and son...I think the dogs even got in there somehow..:-D) are now asking me why did I leave it til the last minute...why didn't I do it last night....the truth? Because I didn't fricken feel like it last night..geesh. I proceeded to make the bannok...which turned out really well if I do say so myself...and I do...!!

Moving on. I ask Alex (my wonderful, adorable, keeps me on my toes son) if he's up for a homeschooler outing today. See, Alex was diagnosed with Tourette synrome, ADHD and OCD among other things at a very young age. There are days when he just needs quiet. Well today wasn't to be one of those days...with a very enthusiastic "yes" we were getting him ready and packing up the bannok (and homemade jam) to take to our friends. Something in me just said "go to the beach", but not wanting to disappoint my boy...I didn't listen and we were off. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my outings with the homeschool group...I LOVE the mom's and the interactions and the food and all of it. There are just days when you know you just shouldn't....but I did. Thankfully all went pretty well and when Alex showed signs that he was breaking down I pulled out my trusty pink phone and called the one person in the world who knows me best....my amazing, wonderful, patient and super handsome husband to come and get us....and he did...no questions asked. Phew... had a good time and all disasters were averted.....but here's the kicker. I see things that I wish I didn't see. I see the looks on the children's faces when Alex appears. Through no consious thought, or mean intentions, they get the "oh here comes Alex" face. I have seen it many many times...and it never gets any easier to see. When the kids see me they smile and say hi Alex and they really do try hard to be patient and kind and tolerant. But my boy has a way of going just over the top...just a little over the top. And they all know it's gonna come. Alex happily doesn't notice (at least I hope he doesn't) and my friends all tell me it's harder on me than it is on him...and somewhere deep inside I know this...but it's still hard. Why can't I fix it so that Alex can conform to the world around him? How can we expect the world to conform to him? Why can't Alex just see that if he settled down just a bit, or if he lowered his voice just a bit...that it would make a huge difference for him socially? Because he can't. Because he is who he is and he is quite happy with that. Why am I not? Because I have been trying for far too long to squish my square peg into a round hole. As much as I say I don't do that, I prove to myself over and over in a day that I do do that. And I need to stop. I, above everyone else, need to accept my boy for who he is. A happy go lucky, fun loving, vampire wanna be, amazing, wonderful human being.

I need to thank my friends Donna and Amy for helping me to see this wonderful insight today. Without the support of my friends somedays...I don't know what I'd do. And it is so wonderfully amazing when you can connect with another parent, who has a child like yours, and they just get it...you can cry and vent and they just get it. I think I'm done for now...but there'll be more. Ya know if feels quite good to get all this out...and even if noone else reads it....it's a place for me to write it.